*** "Jacksonville" Celebrated The Million Mark in 1996 ***
Joint Barnett Bank/City of Jacksonville effort
From: "Kick Ass"
Selected Miami Herald columns of Carl Hiaasen
Univ. Press Of Florida-hard copy edition
'Choked on Growth' page 353
February 4,1996
Weird but true:In Jacksonville,an extravaganza called "Millionth Mania" was recently held to "celebrate" the area's one millionth new resident.
As if this were a good thing,something to be desired.
South Floridians can only shake their heads in puzzlement.We stopped celebrating about three million newcommers ago.Today,ascending population in Dade,Broward and Palm Beach are curtly noted and often received with quiet dismay.
In Jacksonville,they shot off fireworks on the river,while Barbara Eden and Frankie Valli entertained.But not everyone was jumping for joy.
Mike Webster,a native Miamian,fled to North Florida in 1980.The Jacksonville Yacht broker is a founding member of a small but feisty cell of objectors called the Florida League Against "Progress".
FLAP has no dues,no officers,no membership rolls and no meetings.What it does have is a plainly articulated position:That Growth for Growth's sake is reckless,and that all Floridians are paying the price in declining quality of life-crime,traffic,gridlock,sprawl,overcrowded schools,more taxes.
Years ago,FLAP gained modest attention by distributing delightfully seditious bumper stickers that said:LEAVING FLORIDA?TAKE A FRIEND!
Understandibly,Webster was chagrined when his adopted hometown began to boast about swelling to one million residents.It was the same mentality that had turned South Florida in to a parking lot.
So fervid was Jacksonville's yearning to reach it's "magnificent milestone" that the city fudged the numbers.Duval County,which defines metropolitan Jacksonville (the entire county) has only about 700,000 people.Therefore,promoters of "Millionth Mania" were compelled to include in their arithmetic the combined census of Duval,Baker,Nassau,Clay and St.Johns counties.
Technically,it was "northeastern Florida" that two weeks ago welcomed it's one millionth resident.Mike Webster says he was no less alarmed.
He banged out an irreverent press release that was pretty much ignored by the region's mainstream media.That's too bad,because in it he enunciated what many frustrated Floridians are feeling.
"For places like Jacksonville," Webster wrote,"the question of growth is not one of right or wrong,but rather of addiction.We have worshipped the lord of growth.We have multiplied,now we must become fruitfull".
Webster is no new age granola head.A self described conservative Democrat,he was until recently a loyal member of the NRA.He doesn't worry about endangered Panthers so much as farmers,river men and others whose fortunes are jepardized by overdevelopment.
"Much of what passes for progress isn't," Webster says.He includes himself among the threatened: "If our marine resources collapse,the bottom falls out of the boat business."
And while FLAP stops shy of advocating a cap on growth,Webster has dryly suggested that Florida will "depromote" itself to slow the influx of new arrivals.
Which got me thinking:What better way for a city to spook prospective residents than to publicize (with fireworks!) it's own overcrowding.
Is it possible,I wondered,that FLAP infiltrated Jacksonville's Chamber of Commerce and City Events office? Was Webster himself secretly responsible for the big "Celebration"?
Though he denies involvement,the phrase "Millionth Mania" certainly has the sly ring of parody.Perhaps it wasn't the hokey,misguided boosterism I first thought.Perhaps it was a prank-a perversely brilliant prank-meant to scare people away from Duval County.
And it'll probably work.
